Still Not Human

Kathy Lee thinks your dog is fat.

2009-09-18T10:41:00.003-05:00

On my favorite show, Kathy Lee and Honda (KLGandHODA.com) Kathy and Honda stood around and watched dogs run on treadmills. I know I usually pound the animals around here but are you serious!

Dogs and treadmills are like bears who order picnic baskets for delivery. It just does not make any sense. Bears are supposed to steal picknic baskets from the ranger and dogs are supposed to chaise squirrel, cats, poops, cars, parked cars, and their tails.

A little closer to humans

Worse Design Ever

2009-09-02T16:40:00.002-05:00

Who ever invited this should go back to design school. Yeah I'm talking to you Dog God. You suck.

Freeloading Vagabond Celebrated- oxymoron?

2009-08-04T08:00:00.002-05:00

Everyone who has a brain knows that cats are awful little creatures with fat bellies and hairy lips.

So it should come no surprise that over the weekend one of these freeloading son of a bitches took a 11 mile bus ride across the UK.

Casper the cat loves the bus. The news clip above is from the BBC who is known for their hard hitting journalism.

"Casper the cat sits in the front seat of the bus and hisses at all the other patrons as they get on the bus. He also smells like cat nip and cheap whiskey."

Next time any of my human friends tell me they watch the BBC because it's so much different than American news I'm going to freak out and punch them in their faces.

Still Not Human.

Cats perfect audience for Panda Express

2009-08-03T12:00:00.000-05:00

My wife is in advertising so I thought she might find the following interesting.
It was announced this week that "Panda Express" was going to start targeting cats instead of humans with their utterly awful food. The "focus group" which consisted of just a very focused cat named Pamela went extremely well said Amanda Abigwig from the "This food makes you shit your pants" corporation, the parent company of "Panda Express"
I know usually I would slam a company for targeting any animal as a potential consumer. As animals don't have money. But seriously I once ate at a "Panda Express" and know the only thing stupid enough to have a return visit is a cat. My cat return visits me even after I punch him in the face. Turns out cats aren't that good at remembering awful experiences.

Still Not Human.

GET IT!

2009-08-03T08:00:00.000-05:00

This picture is why I (Jason) started this website.
Dogs are just ridiculous.
They can continue to put on sunglasses, hats, and business suits and they still would never be any closer to being human due to pups' like the one in the picture above.
This 'hot dog' (HAR HAR HAR) is setting "dog to human rights" back by at least six months.

STILL NOT HUMAN.

Infertile couple love dog as if it was a child. Infertile couple laugh and clap hands. Infertile couple go to TGIF and eat basket of chicken wings.

2009-07-31T14:00:00.001-05:00

I don't want to ruin this video for you. Oh wait, I do. I want to ruin it for you I forgot that's what you don't pay me to do.
So hold your breath and die if you don't want to hear the spoiler.
This video has a dog on a swing. Yep! it's a dog on a swing. It's full of a dog swinging while fat humans stand around talking about how much their dog loves to sit in a swing.
This dog is not really the bastard here. This dog wants to be out smelling butts and chasing squirrels and not being forced to do human things. I bet this couple is infertile.

Still Not Human.

Run Ostrage Run

2009-07-31T11:00:00.000-05:00

After the judge made her ruling Queeny made his daring jail break. The ostrage proved to be no match for the power of human machinery.
Still Not Human.

Being truly fabulously gay still just for humans

2009-07-31T09:37:00.004-05:00

Gordon the pig waited around the "cockpit" all night but nobody approached him. One particularly handsome gay man, named Terry, quipped, "why do gay bars always smell like bacon?"
Gordon took this to mean he wasn't welcomed at the "cockpit" so he left the bar and cried in the alleyway between the "cockpit" and "TGIF".
What Terry actually meant was that he felt like undercover cops frequented the gay bar. Gordon the pig didn't understand this because Gordon the pig was just a pig and didn't understand sarcasm which is a trait truly important to being fabulously gay.
Still Not Human.

Don't eat this dog he has eye brows

2009-07-20T19:48:00.004-05:00

People love the random colorfulness of dogs. This dog looks like a real human because he has "eye brows", can you imagine that!
Man he looks just like my friend Vinson if Vinson had a snout face only good for finding slim jims and a dumb tongue that is good for licking butts.
While I'm on the subject I'm <--> (this close) to putting the Japanese on notice. Listen to the laugh track and you'll know what I'm talking about. I don't know what's more annoying the dog with "eye brows" or the Japanese going all crazy.
STILL NOT HUMAN.

It's a CROCK that Gary isn't on Dancing With The Stars

2009-07-20T09:00:00.000-05:00

Gary the crocodile has been practicing all year to audition for "Dancing With The Stars" and now that the day has finally come Gary was told that only humans can be on the show!

Now that is crockacist or crockadileist or something. Anyway sign this petition that we will send to "Dancing With The Stars".

Gary is counting on you!

Winner of Still Not Human's first surfing contest

2009-07-17T16:00:00.003-05:00

Who won?
After looking at the contestants I'm going to give it to this girl.

This crazy human got attacked by a shark and now only has one arm and she still surfs. Our group of surfer dogs don't stand a chance. Bethany Hamilton proving even human gimps are better than our four legged friends.

Chance of winning: Just did.

IS HUMAN.

Cats are tricking you into loving them.

2009-07-17T15:49:00.003-05:00

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/8148192.stm

We have a serious problem on our hands. A Scientist has just discovered that Cats use a very distinctive purring sound when they want attention or food. A sound humans can not ignore.

Scientist, Dr Karen McComb, whom is obviously a cat woman, said that the study was inspired by her own Cat, Pepo.

Apparently, Karen hypothesis is that cat's have learned to purr and cry like a baby which makes it very difficult for Karen to ignore Mr. Pepo.

Here is the thing, Karen the scientist, a cat even if they some how learned to mimic the sounds of a baby isn't a baby.

If my cat made a sound that tugged at my heart strings the same way a baby, hungry and wanting attention, did I would get a Catholic Priest. Yep I would get Father OMaley' and we would have ourselves an exorcism.

And if that didn't work I would just assume my cat ate a child. He is a fat bastard.

Squeeeaaaaaakkkkk Surfs!

2009-07-17T15:00:00.003-05:00

In honor of a hot Friday in the middle of summer SNH (Still Not Human) is having its first every surf contest. Yep! Animals surfing. At the end of the day we will declare a winner. The winner of all surf. Then hopefully I'll get some turf. Whatever that is.

Squeak a typical snout face trying to do human things sent in this photo. At first I was amazed that Squeak could use the internet. With those fat paws it must be a feat to log onto an email client, Squeak uses Squirrel Mail,but then I took a closer look at the picture Squeak sent in.

Was I seeing an amazing surfing dog or was there a human behind this shot? How is Squeak doing this amazing stunt? I'll tell you a person is holding his surf BOARD! Look at the water. It's all calm yet Squeak is ridding like there is a wave.

I KNOW. I KNOW.

These snout faces will go to any length to try and win this surf contest.

Disqualified!

Chances Of Winning: ZIP.

STILL NOT HUMAN.

Surf Dogs Are Supposed To Be Role Models

2009-07-17T14:00:00.001-05:00

In honor of a hot Friday in the middle of summer SNH (Still Not Human) is having its first every surf contest. Yep! Animals surfing. At the end of the day we will declare a winner. The winner of all surf. Then hopefully I'll get some turf. Whatever that is.

Maybe the third surfing dog will do the trick!

Wait a minute is that dog wearing a bikini?

Seriously.

Surfing dogs are role models, Bikini Dog.

Next time you get out there on your board you better think about that. Also it look like you don't really know what your doing. You probably spent all day picking out that bikini instead of listening to your surf instructor over there.

Chance of Winning: None.

STILL NOT HUMAN.

DAMNING EVIDENCE DISQUALIFIES GROOVY DOG

2009-07-17T13:30:00.000-05:00

What was I thinking! Damning evidence sent in by Mr. DogWhoLooksLikeAPedophile. Man this is a family friendly blog Groovy Dog. I'm sorry but you give Polynesians a bad name.

Changes of Winning: Zero

with pain i declare you:STILL NOT HUMAN.

Groovy Dog Catches Some Waves & Some Hearts

2009-07-17T13:00:00.003-05:00

Our second contestant is a dog from Hawaii. No way! Yeah, he totally is dude. He's like exotic or something.

I tried calling this dog to let him know he had a good shot at winning this surf contest. I mean, look at the way he just sits on that board with his snout face open lapping in the ocean breeze. Can you get cooler?

B.T.W. when I called this dog he didn't answer. Yep! You guessed it he was out catching a wave.

What a groovy dog.

Change Of Winning: Decent as long as no damning evidence disqualifies him.

Surf Contest

2009-07-17T12:00:00.003-05:00

Our first contestant is a surf duo. Who do we have here?

Rascal and Mr. DogWhoLooksLikeAPedophile. Ah, these two are unstoppable.

Look how Rascal just stands there with his mouth closed like he's dreaming of bigger and better swells. And then you got Mr. DogWhoLooksLikeAPedophile over there thinking about all the lil' girls building sand castles on the beach.

I have never met a human I trusted wearing a bandanna and sunglasses. So I'm not about to make an exception for a dog.

Chance of winning this contest: Zero.

STILL NOT HUMAN.

Hands Cat learns to open door

2009-07-17T11:00:00.003-05:00

Hey lets look at this cat that managed to open a door. 2 year olds are impressed.

STILL NOT HUMAN.

Dumb Kittie Cereal Goes In There

2009-07-17T09:00:00.000-05:00

Mitch watches his owner eat cereal everyday but hasn't mastered it himself. Keep on trying---until then Mitch.

STILL NOT HUMAN.

When Harry Met Pepper.

2009-07-16T19:00:00.001-05:00

When Harry met Pepper he was confused. Pepper sounds like a chick's name. Now after months of "scared black-n-white" training Harry is ready to start his new life. Harry doesn't think about Pepper, much.

I'm glad this doesn't happen to Humans.

STILL NOT HUMAN.

Lies on resume. Typical.

2009-07-16T18:00:00.000-05:00

Tabitha promised she would work hard. Ten minutes after her promise the boss caught her taking a snooze. Sorry Tabitha, you just don't have the stamina it takes to be a human.

STILL NOT HUMAN.

Dumb Cat Too Lazy To Breed

2009-07-16T17:26:00.002-05:00

Dumb cat too lazy to breed

Just proves my point.

Kangeroo is a jerk. But not human.

2009-07-16T17:00:00.001-05:00

After watching too much "Denise Richards Colon It's Complicated" this Kangaroo decides to become a diva. Sorry Kangaroo you're not a diva. Just hop over there and lick your hands because you haven't mastered air conditioning.
STILL NOT HUMAN.

Snout face sleeps with human. Still not Human.

2009-07-16T15:07:00.003-05:00

Our friend Lil' Rube sent this in. He hopes we would claim his bed mate is a human. Lil' Rube desperately needs human contact, so much so, he'll even bed with this snout face. Look at this snout face. He's pretending like he could hold his little paws any other way. I'm not impressed with this snout face.

STILL NOT HUMAN.

Random coloring makes dog look human!

2009-07-16T13:51:00.001-05:00

Hey this dog looks upset. I bet he's upset that you didn't give him his favorite kibble. Or maybe he's upset because you cleaned out the cat box and he didn't get any of Mr. Nibbles delectable Nibbles. Or maybe, just maybe, his coloring is random and he's busy thinking about nothing. Yep! He's thinking about nothing because he's a dummy.

Still Not Human.

This is what happens when you wear no pants.

2009-07-16T11:31:00.000-05:00

These puppies tried to be helpful around their owners house. Now look at them. Good luck learning to do a load of whites.

STILL NOT HUMAN